Mountains out of Molehills?

Lately I've become frustrated at my abilities and my circumstances. I've been having sad thoughts and cry more easily, and then I criticise myself for being 'weak'.

Am I making mountains out of molehills? Does it get any easier?

This pressing and enduring dissatisfaction seems to continue despite futile efforts to change my lifestyle, change my living environment, change my career..

Perhaps what has been pressing on my mind is internal, and much harder to get at.

Alongside this frustration comes loneliness, and anger and despair - and yet I have much to be grateful for.

They say comparison is the thief of joy, so why do I keep comparing myself against my peers? Why am I so anxious to live up to that invisible bar I have placed my worth on?

I know the answer, and yet I can't bring myself to act on it - I am stagnant, unmoving, unmotivated.

So what is it that I am chasing? What is the purpose of it all? Why is my ego so fragile? Why do I feel pressure to find somebody to be with?

Dear lord, please help sustain me throughout this challenging period. Please help me to fix my eyes on you and stop focussing on other people's journey. My career is not a rat race. I am operating in accordance with the timeline you have set for me. Thank you Jesus for everything that you have given me. Please help me to pass on the blessings that I have received for others too.

Is music for the young?

God's Providence

 

In times of difficulty I am also reminded and comforted by God's providence.

Matthew 6:26-34

"26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Minari (Spoilers)

 

As a first generation Malaysian living in Australia, I often grapple with the intricacies of my own identity  - where do I fit in? where do I belong?  

Naturally I am drawn to films that portray Asians in a Western setting. I enjoyed 'Crazy Rich Asians' especially because it was filmed in locations where I'd spent my childhood and featured actors that looked like me. I identified with Billi in 'The Farewell' when she fought with conflicting western and eastern ideals within herself.

I enjoyed this movie because it felt so familiar it was almost nostalgic. As an immigrant, I identified with the struggles the Yi family had with integration and assimilation. This was an experience unique to such a small populace that I did not even hope to see on the big screen.

But would people who lived outside of the Asian experience in the West be interested in a movie where nothing really happens?

After recent turbulent times in light of Covid-19, heated protests and an election riled with tension from both sides, perhaps this is just what America needs.

~/~

Minari follows a Korean family with an American dream. A dream of prosperity, success and social mobility. 

Jacob sets his sights on owning a plentiful farmland, and relocates his young family to Arkansas in order to pursue this dream.

His wife, Monica agrees to the move but secretly doubts his capability to succeed and fears for her son - David, a stubborn but charming 7 year old boy who has a weak heart. 

Alienated from their comfortable life in California, cracks in Monica and David's relationship begin to surface. The arrival of the kids' grandmother from Korea further shifts the family dynamics.

~/~

Minari explores the human condition by covering universal experiences such as family, belonging, aspiration and resilience. One does not have to have lived as an Asian immigrant to identify with its themes.

Minari also normalises failure. In a world where social media runs rampant and everyone shows their best self, this is especially encouraging to see because we recognise ourselves in Jacob when things go awry.

Art is an imitation of life. But I did not expect an art that resembled life so closely to be this beautiful!

This also made me consider how God's plan for our lives is so much more interesting than what we want. It is chaotic, it can't be thought up, but the good part is that we don't need to :)

~/~

I still remember the first time I stepped foot into church in Australia, feeling homesick in a foreign environment. I still remember the first time I set foot in Perth as a permanent resident - its gusty wind billowing strong against my hair and clothing. It was refreshing and clean and invigorating - an experience I had never felt back in my hometown in Malaysia.

This film stands as a message of hope and encouragement to not just all immigrants, but all humans across the world, to take heart, to persevere, because just as abruptly as the movie ended, we know that life goes on.

What It Feels Like to Be in an Environment Almost Normal

I worked from home for 19 weeks. I was one of the luckier people who was able to make that transition easily. Being an auditor, it was almost as if my job was created to weather the pandemic. 

We were used to flexible working. Traditionally auditors would work from client sites and so we would rarely work in our own offices anyway. Our laptops were built to be light and portable. It had an inbuilt 4G device that allowed us full time connectivity anywhere in Australia. We also had the technical capability and experience to communicate virtually, as most modern day companies often do.

What I didn't realize when I returned to an almost back to normal environment was that I'd grown accustomed to this routine. It was surprisingly comfortable for me to be in this odd 'limbo'. It felt like suddenly my life was on pause, the world was holding it's breath...

I had no pressure whatsoever to be aware of what my plans were to be in the next 10 years, or even what I was going to be doing that weekend. Nobody was asking or thinking about these kinds of questions anymore! We were all waiting for this chaos to blow over, sitting quietly with our families in our homes. 

Being a quieter and more reserved person, I no longer had any reason to worry about social awkwardness, or uncomfortable conversations face to face. We simply communicated over email, and over Microsoft Teams. We didn't even have to turn on our cameras to show our faces! We could hide that kind of honesty from each other. 

All my other regular activities outside of work were converted to zoom meetings. Church was held on zoom. Bible study on zoom. Gatherings with friends. 

 Since social isolation measures have been put in place - it became clear that we didn't even have to dress up or step outside of our house to go on with life.

~.~

When social distancing restrictions gradually started to relax, I realised that I did not want to go back to 'normal'. I did not want to become so hyper-aware of my life choices. I did not want to face difficult conversations. I did not want to commute to and fro between the suburbs and the city. The days felt longer and my imagination and thoughts grew wilder. I had more options now, which definitely did not feel like a good thing. 

But of course this would be all futile in the end, and hiding under the blanket of the Coronavirus was sort of like tossing away a true privilege that other cities did not have.  Furthermore, If one does not get uncomfortable, one can not grow.

I remember walking home a few weeks ago from where the bus had dropped me. It had been a long and tiring day after a series of other long and tiring days. My mind had been plagued with doubts and worries and dread for a while now at that point and I was ready to go straight home, wash up and go to bed. We were in the thick of Spring. The suns rays were already rapidly overtaking the days as the days went by. It felt as if a veil was gently lifted from my eyes at that point. I realised how pretty the sky was and how lucky I was to be able to simply walk home and be comfortable enough to use a public transport system without even needing to wear a mask. All this while I had been feeling resentment and dread when it should really be quite the opposite.

In my personal and humble opinion, Perth, Western Australia offers some of the most glorious sunsets in the world. This was a photo I took a couple years ago when I was walking around the neighborhood near my house.

Surely, surely this will all turn out all right in the end. I pray that it does and I believe that it will. 

Plants

On my 21st birthday I received a plant from some friends. I thought it was funny because it felt like a gift of responsibility. I would make jokes about whether it was still alive, and how nervous I felt about my duty of making-sure-it-lived. It had pretty leaves in a fancy pot, with the name - 'Ficus Elastica Ruby', also known as rubber tree plant. 

I would often forget to water it, and definitely did not appreciate it as much. When my grandparents came over from Malaysia to live with us for a while, that plant never looked as good as it did! (My grandpa (kong kong 公公) even watered a fake plant that we had in the living room, much to my mum's amusement). Despite my neglect it still came into its own over 6 months and grew somewhat into the resemblance of a little tree. As time went by I learned to admire its existence. It would survive even if I forgot to water it for a couple weeks. 

That soon changed in January this year, when I went to Nepal for 3 weeks over the December holiday period, and then came back for only a short couple of days before going to Sydney for work for 2 weeks. In that time, I had forgotten all about the plant. It deteriorated, and nobody noticed it until it was too late. 

When I returned, I was pretty disappointed to see the state that it was in. I tried my best to salvage it over the next couple of days by researching ways to revive it. However, as hard as I tried, my attempts were fruitless. Only when it died and had to be thrown out did I realise how beautiful it was. I would later learn that it had variegated leaves. This meant that it had leaves of different colors, mine was a  blend of dark green and red. I never thought about how rare that was until it was gone. Unfortunately, there is no picture of it - which I guess makes my lack of appreciation clear!

When the pandemic hit us, its effects were surreal. It was almost as if the world changed in the span of a couple of weeks. In March my workplace texted us mid-week, encouraging us to work from home over the next 2 days, and a clear directive for all employees to work remotely from the next week onwards. 

Physical distancing restrictions triggered a surge in plant sales. People were bored and looked for things to do, and gardening was one of the things you could do without any worry of social distancing. Amidst the quietness and additional free time, I guess we as people also learned to love the work of putting some effort into a thing that takes time.

Since the death of Ruby Ficus Elastica, I've built up a small plant family of my own. 

These are the pictures I took today, along with the period of acquisition.

Devil's Ivy (Pothos) June 20

Fittonia July 20

Haworthia July 20

I hope that they will last much more longer than the Ficus. Unlike animals and humans, unfortunately they cannot call out to me for water or care, and it would be up to me to determine the care that they need... 

As they say, beautiful things don't ask for attention.  

First Post

 

me (pictured right)

I'm not quite sure what I am creating, except that I absolutely have to begin. If I want to start writing at all I must start at all costs. I remember a quote I read once which has stuck with me. 

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it." Anne Lammott

I don't believe I ever wanted to be 'perfect' in my life - but I do believe that somewhere along the way I realised I did not want to fail. 

I remember having much more ambition as a kid, dared to dream a bit more, wanted to try more things, wanted to learn about so many more things. I wrote a lot more too - even though some of it was real rubbish! I guess that is why so many people reminisce about their childhoods and why people write about it in the books and movies. 

In this photo, we were visiting a university and feeling excited for the next year. It would be a new experience and environment - leaving high school and entering university. Even though this was only about 4-5 years ago (not very long), I do feel that this past version of myself was very naïve and still believed in a lot of ideas I had learned from fiction - not yet exposed to the true revelations of what it means when you leave school - not even thinking about that in fact...

There's a lot of things I want this blog to be:

• A regular diary
• A place for my fictional works
• A training ground to improve my writing 
• A place for commentary around my personal beliefs, opinions, observations 

etc.

Of course I imagine a lot of great things in my head.

BUT - as I find I am often way too idealistic when it comes to baby projects such as these - 

I will attempt to work on this slowly but incrementally.. Until one day I can stand back and feel proud, and be proud of my attempts. // end